April 6, 2010
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It’s a different world than the age of “be seen and not heard” or even “respect your elders”. I was so hoping to capitalize on those beliefs as I entered the adult world, especially the one about “do as I say, not as I do”. As a child, I envisioned a world where I would get to boss children around, make them get things for me, and yell at them for leaving their shoes in the doorway even though mine were right there too. Ah – what a world that was going to be.
It never arrived. I’m guessing my parents didn’t experience their lives from my childhood vantage point either. Being an adult does not bring with it a “get out of responsibility” card – quite the opposite. Yet how do children view the authority of adults today? Are we seen as dictators, playmates, encouragers? If children were to see adults for what we desire to be, they would be ever so pleased with their current role of “child”, for it seems most adults just want children to learn what they need to learn in order to be the best they can be. That doesn’t seem so hard, does it?
Take a moment today to let your children know that you trust who they are and what they are becoming. They are a “work in progress” – and aren’t we all! Along with the statements to “get up”, “clean up”, and “wise up” add a liberal dose of encouragement. “You’re getting it!” “It’s clear you’re trying to figure things out” or “Sometimes it’s hard at first. You have it in you to master this.”
There is a reason that all the phrases of the past are losing their luster. They didn’t do much to honor the process of growth. We can let our children know that every day is an opportunity to try again. They have time to learn – that’s what childhood is all about.
April 1, 2010
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A teenager can see an “agenda” coming from a mile away. By the time children move into adolescence they are quick to pick up that a lecture is lurking in the conversation weeds somewhere. We can read stories to young children that are knee deep in moral lessons and they will likely love the story without feeling “programmed”. Teens can become weary of such tactics and throw them back at us as a reminder that they are on the verge of adulthood and as such could do with a bit more respect.
I remember a time when I had planned out a conversation that I intended to have with my son about his grades, homework, and the overall lack of preparedness I’d been witnessing. I asked a couple of lead in questions (to get the conversation on my track more than to actually hear his responses) and then launched into what I perceived to be thought provoking insights into what I’d observed. This was groundwork for my next plan which was to explain to him everything he needed to do to set things right. Before I had a chance to share my wisdom, he stole the words out of my mouth and fed them to me as if they were his. “I think what I need to do is buckle down and get my work done first thing. This is serious and I need to take it more seriously…” and on and on. Somehow my words didn’t sound so strong and insightful. They sounded common and familiar.
That is when we began to have our real conversations; not the ones I dreamed up in my head where I could image what his answers would be. These were conversations that had freedom to go wherever they went – unscripted – and these are the conversations that I treasure because they led me to understand and enjoy the company of my son.
Be curious. Ask a question without having formed your response. Wait and listen. Really listen. There may be a level of bravado in the replies. There may be some statements to test and shock, but there will also be beautiful glimpses of wisdom coming into its own. Wait for it.
March 9, 2010
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Just in case you wondered how many times children need to hear and practice what TO DO, it is 2000 times in context. That’s right. The practice of appropriate behavior (and lots of it) really does make perfect. Learning to be responsible, disciplined, thoughtful, etc. is a process. Some adults are still working on the basic steps, so it is interesting that there is often an expectation that children should “nail” the skills by the age of 6.
How are we going to maintain the momentum it takes to continually teach children appropriate behavior? Parenting is not a sprint; it’s a marathon and that requires pacing. Children are children for quite a few years and they give us many, many opportunities to provide them with guidance. Here are a few tips for the long – and beautiful – journey.
1. Stay focused on what you do want. Whether the behavior needing to change is a mouthy response or a messy room, stay on topic. “That’s not appropriate; here’s what you can say when you’re frustrated…” or “It’s time to pick up your room. You can start by putting your clothes away or cleaning off your desk.”
2. Stay calm. When stating an expectation, it is more effective when it is delivered in an even tone with positive intent.
3. Consequences help reinforce the learning. “If you choose to leave your clothes on the floor, instead of putting them into the hamper, then they will not get washed. You may run out of clean clothes eventually – just so you know.” (Of course, this only works if your child cares about having clean clothes. More on consequences later).
4. Stay with it, without escalating into anger. Your message is watered down rather than beefed up by anger. Children may react – but generally not because they’re learning to be responsible.
Trust that your child will learn. Continue to teach and you will keep the door of learning open for them.
February 24, 2010
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“I wake up with great promise that this will be a day of completing projects, being on time for things, having fun, and NO YELLING. That’s how I wake up. Half an hour later the plan is already beginning to unravel.” Does this sound familiar? Each day has a certain “fresh start” feel to it, yet what good is a fresh start if the endings are all too predictable? What makes a day a success – or not?
The “not” days may be filled with events outside our control. Sometimes it’s the kids. Sometimes it’s resistance to what is actually happening. Whatever happens, it may feel that IT is running the show and WE are just along for the ride. Taking control of the day begins with acceptance. What is – IS. We understand that believing it shouldn’t rain when we plan a picnic is actually outside of our control, however when it comes to children we may believe that if we think our children should behave better, then they magically should. We resist what is happening in favor of a more pleasant fantasy filled with compliant responses and clean rooms.
That is where the “off day” comes in. Our “wishful day” does not match the real one – and it hurts. Some may feel the disappointment, some rise above it, some fight against it. Acceptance is the smoothest way through it. Acceptance doesn’t mean there is no effort to shift gears or improve the situation. It means that the starting point is exactly where you’re at. There is no where else to start.
So approach tomorrow with hope – no matter what comes. It is the day, the only day, you have. Put on your parent shoes and dance, sing, cry or complain. Flow with it. See what it brings. Be surprised!
February 6, 2010
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It is hard to imagine believing something that I know isn’t true. It just isn’t possible. So if I believe something to be true, my brain will act on that belief with all the righteous conviction of that truth. And yet I know, having lived on this planet for a while, that I have believed things that turned out not to be true (and that is undeniably true!)
So what does this have to do with parenting? A LOT.
Let’s assume that you have experienced a number of challenging situations between you and your child or (even more fun) between siblings. These situations often require a level of discernment as to what happened; its cause or who caused it, the underlying meaning, and the validity of any actions or reactions to the event. That can be tricky. How does a parent decide such weighty issues as “who started it,” “who broke it,” or “who lied?” What might one rely on to make sense of the situation? You may have tried asking, “Who started this?” Generally there’s a vote cast for each member with fingers pointing in outward directions.
It’s often hard to get a straight (or at least convincing) answer to upsetting situations and so there tends to be a reliance on personal judgment. Who started it? – Who is usually the instigator? Who broke it? – Who’s careless? Who lied? – Who always lies? Easy.
And that is the trap. If a belief forms around a child or behavior, there is a tendency to shortcut the problem solving and move right to the perceived “truth.” “I know you did it. It’s always you.” There is no way out of that cycle once it gets created. The belief generates its own solution.
What if parents didn’t have to decide who did it, broke it, or even if a child was lying? What if it’s more about teaching a different way regardless of how it became a problem? The milk is all over the floor. “Who did it?” as reasonable as that sounds doesn’t move the situation forward. It stalls it at blame. What if the situation were just stated? “There’s milk all over the floor. It seems that someone had an accident and didn’t know what to do to fix it. When milk spills, get a rag and clean it up. We can all practice cleaning it up together so that we’ll all know what to do if it happens again.” What if we shift the focus to finding the solution? Try it and let me know.
I’ll share some thoughts about the lying issue in the next blog, so stay tuned.
January 22, 2010
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I’ve been thinking about the word “tolerate” and its use in casual conversation as in, “I can tolerate my child’s behavior for only so long and then I snap.” The idea that tolerating behavior can be a strategy for managing behavior seems misguided. Perhaps the strategy works if you’re tolerating a customer or a visiting relative, but children tend to stay around longer.
A common conception seems to be that if we just tolerate (as in “put up with”) an irritating behavior, perhaps it will magically disappear. Loud children will realize they are being obnoxious and will turn their volume buttons down. Arguing siblings will suddenly come to their senses and forge a peace treaty. One can only hope…
To tolerate is to go into a holding pattern with the hope that whatever you are tolerating will evaporate before the actual need for action. Although there are occasions when that works, it is more likely that the act of tolerating will actually build the level of frustration until there is no more room in the “stuff-it” bag.
If a behavior is causing you to “cringe and bear it”, take a moment to acknowledge that you don’t like what is happening. Make a calm, conscious choice about what you DO want and put your plan into action.
Check out some of the articles on this site for additional strategies and add your thoughts or stories to the mix.
December 2, 2009
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A dad once told me about an outing he and his 7 year old son took to an Indian’s game. He had gotten the time off work, paid for great seats, purchased goodies to eat and souvenirs to remind his son of their fun time together. As the game ended the dad felt a strong sense of irritation toward his son. “Not once did he say thank you. So I let him have it.” He scolded his son for being so ungrateful. They walked to the car in silence. What troubled this dad was a feeling that his irritation had snuffed out their fun time together and left them both disgruntled. The dad lamented, “It ruined everything, but didn’t my son need to learn that it’s important to be grateful?”
YES! It is very important. Gratitude enlarges our hearts and strengthens our love. However what might this scene have looked like from a different perspective? What if the dad taught his son gratitude by being grateful? “I’m so grateful my boss gave me the time off to be with you.” “I’m so grateful to be able to sit here and enjoy a hot dog with you.” Young children learn to say “I love you” because people say it to them. Children learn to be grateful when we model it for them. Of course we need to prompt them too, so that they learn to respond with a “thank you” at appropriate moments. However, a parent’s gratitude can ignite words from a child in return, “I’m grateful too, dad” – Priceless.
November 13, 2009
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More to the point, practice wires the brain for whatever it is we practice. By routinely engaging in a behavior or skill, that ability “wires” in the brain. This is true for the behaviors we value as well as those less desirable habits. As the saying goes, “what fires together wires together.”
For example, imagine your child comes home from school and plops a book bag right inside the door, tosses a coat somewhere nearby and happily zips off to some activity. Moments later your child hears the familiar sounds of frustration, as this is a scene that plays out every day. It is you stating in exasperation, “How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your stuff all over. Get back here and take care of this immediately.” So here is the “practice” that is wiring together in your child’s brain.
1. Come in the door.
2. Toss things down.
3. Go play.
4. Get yelled at.
5. Complain.
6. Pick things up.
If it happens every day, like a well rehearsed play, a pattern forms with little thought toward changing it. It’s the only script in your child’s possession for the “Home from School” play. If it is not the script you want, then it is up to you to change the script. Practice for a different play – a better play!
When your child walks through the door, explain that there’s a better, shorter version of the “Home from School” play. You might share how the brain patterns by saying that every time we do something, a pathway for that action is created in the brain. The more we do it, the stronger and faster the pathway becomes. Find examples in nature and in the community that show pathways; like well worn footpaths or sledding hills.
Begin a new pathway by practicing what you do want. Have your child practice coming in the door and hanging up his or her things. Practice again. Practice again. Now you’re ready for the real thing. When your child comes home and hangs his or her things up right away say, “You did it! You wired your brain for success. Yeah for you!” If an old pattern creeps back in, practice again. We do it in sports, music, acting – why not with book bags?
October 30, 2009
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My dad was a math wiz and was at the ready when I needed support with homework, until “the year of new math”. He was beside himself. “New math? What was wrong with the old math?” Looking back (a long way back) on that time, I believe that my dad wasn’t just questioning the retirement of his math system. He was perhaps feeling a bit archaic and set aside himself. Change is hard. During this same time period there was a push to move the U.S. to the metric system. That was in the ‘50’s. So far we’ve managed to move it all the way to 2 liter bottles. Great progress! It’s small wonder that we find it difficult to let research inform how we structure our classrooms or how we maintain discipline. What research tells us about the way children learn contradicts many of the current practices we have in place for teaching. When children are at the developmental stage of seeking social interactions, we want independent work. Although we become increasingly more aware that our world needs more “out-of-the-box” thinkers and problem solvers, schools are expected to teach to a prescribed test.
Like my dad with new math, institutions don’t typically gravitate toward change. If there is to be informed change then it will require individuals to become informed. What do you know about how children learn and how might it help our schools better serve children’s needs? Read up. Find out. Share what you learn. Share what you already know from your own observations. In fact, you can share right here. To help you begin your exploration, try www.edutopia.org and search “Big Thinkers”. Enjoy!
October 13, 2009
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But what is wrong with using the word “but”? There’s nothing really wrong with “but”, but isn’t it possible there’s a better way to communicate?
So what I’m really saying is, “There’s something wrong – or at least problematic with that tiny three-letter word. It separates the first statement from the statement that follows. And that is just fine as long as that is the intent. If I’m attempting to create distance between one thought and another then “but” is my word. “Our streets are littered with trash but it doesn’t have to be that way.” There – in that sentence I want to discount the first statement as having less power than it may at first seem. However in this sentence, “You finished most of the problems on your math paper but you didn’t do the last two” the word “but” leaves the recipient with a sense that the first part of that statement was just a lead-in for the real message, that of incompetence. Is that really what was intended? If not, perhaps “and” (another three-letter word and a beautiful connector) is more helpful as in “… and you just have two more to do. You’re almost done!” Would you be more motivated if the person making the comment to you acknowledged your efforts so far, or discounted them as “not enough”?