Parents generally want their children to grow up to be responsible and to own up to their mistakes. Responsibility and the acknowledgement of errors generally sits at the top of the list of qualities considered necessary for a successful life. So, how are we as adults modeling responsibility? How does the current culture convey the message that this value matters? Check the news. It isn’t pretty. There seems to be a mudslide of finger pointing and “passing the buck”.
BLAMING has become a cultural epidemic. Most newscasts, newspapers, and reports on the internet are comprised of stories that seek to place blame on anyone who, willingly or not, walks into its spotlight. And with blame there is an avalanche of defense. When a mistake is made, rather than modeling for children that the proper response is to “own up to the error”, it seems there is a tendency to first try burying the error; and if one is discovered, blame it on someone (or something) else. What is making it so hard to just say, “I made a mistake and I take responsibility for what has happened?” Perhaps it is hard to do because society has made the price one pays for such an admission so high – public ridicule and unending judgment.
When mistakes are deemed “news worthy”, many people weigh in so that their views about “who is most to blame” can be added to that of the media. Although society has the right to voice opinion (it is, after all, a constitutional right) it has become overly invasive. Personal stories are played out in public arenas as if everyone is equally affected by every wrongdoing. HERE IS WHY THAT MATTERS. Ultimately, we may be teaching our children that “confession” is not so “good for the soul” – or at least not for one’s dignity.
It is hard to be perfect. People make mistakes. It is important that our children know they can make mistakes and RECOVER. The main point in acknowledging mistakes is so that there can be a correction. Perhaps mistakes would not grow into such destructive mountains if there was an accepted way for one to shift gears away from inappropriate choices – get help – make amends – and LEARN.
Every mistake is an opportunity to learn. When a child makes a mistake (takes something that does not belong to him, hurts someone, spills something – AGAIN, breaks something; the list is endless as mistakes are endless) the focus is “what can you do now to make amends, and what might you do differently in the future?” THAT is what teaches responsibility. “You should be ashamed of yourself” and “What is wrong with you?” are not so helpful. Teaching children how to take responsibility for mistakes will ensure that, when things go wrong, they will have an awareness of what to do to set whatever is happening back on its proper course. When I look back over my life, I realize my biggest mistakes have been my greatest teachers – yet it would have been nice if there was a bit less “shame and blame” gumming up the learning.
So let’s bury the scarlet letter once and for all.
Beautifully said. As usual. Thank you.
Carol Dweck has more to say on this theme in her book Mindset where she addresses the negative consequences of blame in the worlds of sports, the business, schools, as well as family life. She actually encourages families (both parents and children) to talk openly and enthusiastically about mistakes as learning opportunities at the dinner table. While I think this is easier said than done, I do find that sharing stories about my childhood errors fascinates my children and often opens the door to some amazing discussions.
Great! I’ll look into that book. Two other helpful books on the subject are Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Easy to Love, Difficult to Disipline by Dr. Becky Bailey. Happy reading to us all!