The following excerpt is taken from Please Don’t Eat the Daisies by Jean Kerr. It was written in 1954. Could it possibly be relevant today?
My real problem with children is that I haven’t any imagination. I’m always warning them against the commonplace defections while they are planning the bizarre and unusual. Christopher gets up ahead of the rest of us on Sunday mornings and he has long since been given a list of clear directives: “Don’t wake the baby,” “Don’t go outside in your pajamas,” “Don’t eat cookies before breakfast.” But I never told him, “Don’t make flour paste and glue together all the pages of the magazine section of the Sunday Times.” Now I tell him, of course.
Now we know where all the “DON’T” language originated – Jean Kerr and MY MOTHER. The biggest problem with “don’t” is exactly what Kerr highlights. You just can’t cover every possibility. I learned this as a preschool teacher, since instead of one “Christopher” there was a classroom full of imaginative thinkers. One class, in particular, found amazing ways to stretch the common rules to the “bizarre and unusual”. As I was crossing the class to the playground, someone started the trend of disrobing before climbing. When I joined the class on the playground, I was surprised by the sight of 10 little boy bodies all stripped down to their underpants. Who knew we’d need the rule, “clothes stay on at school.” Like Kerr, we added that, of course.
There is a shortcut to all this, however. It’s been said here before, so this is just a reminder. State what you DO want. This is more profitable for several reasons: 1) it tends to be a shorter list, 2) it helps children focus on acceptable choices, and 3) it creates a “picture” of appropriate parameters which makes it easier for children to comply.
Here’s how Kerr would sound by stating what Christopher is able TO DO. “When you get up, notice if anyone is still sleeping. If so, choose quiet activities. You may ___ or ___ (add what is acceptable to you). Your job is to stay safe, so remain in the house. If you get hungry, you may ____ (again, whatever is acceptable).” This plan will work best if there are actual picture reminders for your child, especially if your child is under the age of eight. (More about pictures next week!)
For now, notice where you are focusing: on what you don’t want – or what you DO?
I was just wondering at what age can you start this method. I have 18 mon old twins and every time I say don’t do this…the opposite happens. This seems like an interesting trick to get them to focus on another task.
Hi Katie,
18 months is a great time to start, since language is in massive development and brain connections are forming. The idea of focusing on what you do want is to help your children gravitate to the acceptable choice. However, it also works because that is how the brain operates. If you say, “Don’t touch” children connect to the action word, and so hear and act on the word “touch” rather than registering the “don’t”. That is why you’re experiencing the opposite to your statements. Change it to, “You can look at that with your eyes.” Then you can show them something else that would be appropriate for them to touch. By starting this now, they will have a well developed sense of what to do with each new experience.
Best to you, Katie, as you raise your twins!