Here’s the scenario: you are taking your child somewhere that he or she wants to go. Shortly before leaving you say, “Pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry basket. When that’s done we can leave.” Based on your child’s reaction, it seems your child heard you say, “Paint the house and build all new furniture or I won’t take you anywhere” as your simple statement has caused an explosion well beyond the expectation you’ve set forth. What just happened? You threw an ever so tiny wrench in the works and this child’s fragile “machinery” couldn’t cope.
The eruption is likely caused by a feeling of desperation: that her friends will all be gone by the time you finally get around to dropping her off, or everyone will already have a partner, seat, FRIEND! The knee-jerk reaction is generally fueled by a fear, which is based on her perception. She may be able to articulate this fear and say (or more likely yell), “I DON’T HAVE TIME. I’LL DO IT WHEN I GET BACK. YOU ALWAYS DO THINGS TO MAKE ME LATE!” This may spawn the response, “YOU COULD ALREADY BE DONE IF YOU WOULD JUST DO IT INSTEAD OF YELLING AT ME. AND MAYBE I JUST WON’T TAKE YOU AT ALL!”
So – what to do instead? Recognize it for what it is – her resistance to the fact that the world isn’t going in the direction she had in mind. We all want the world to go our way and it is frustrating when we can’t make that happen. Take a deep breath when you first encounter the resistance. Silently wish your child well, as this is an opportunity for her to learn that she can handle frustration caused by tiny wrenches. It is the only way to learn that one can handle even the big wrenches that will inevitably show up throughout life.
Once you are ready (breathe – wish well), say as calmly as possible, “Seems you’re concerned that this job will take too long. You can do it quickly. I’ll be ready to leave as soon as you finish.” Give him space (literally and figuratively) to shift gears. When he throws the clothes in the basket (and that is really the only option he has if he still wants a ride) refrain from commenting on his attitude. If he is complying, that is all you’re going for in this round. Then – GIVE YOUR CHILD THE RIDE. It is so easy to fall into the “I’d rather punish you for being such a brat and just refuse to take you” trap. The reason that’s a trap is because it actually serves to create more conflict down the road. Why comply at all if you’re going to lose out in the end anyway. By holding your child to the task and then following through, you help him learn that you are serious about your expectations AND good for your word.
Once in the car, use the opportunity to assure your child that you care that she arrives on time to events. Let her know that that is important to you as well. When you expect some things to be done before leaving, you will not be unreasonable about how much time that might take. If she’s receptive to your conversation, ask if, in retrospect, perhaps she might have handled it differently. Then assure her that she’ll have many more times to choose a different outcome. Ask, “What might you want to say before getting out that will let me know you appreciate the ride?” Smile – and end with “Have a nice time!”