Most of us heard praise in the form of judging as we grew up. We tend to pass on what we experience because that is what we know best.   Giving praise an “overhaul” will give your children a better understanding of the impact of their actions and what values they are honoring.  Ultimately it’s all about values, since that is what transforms us into responsible human beings.

Take a look and try on your favorite – or transform one of your own and share it here.

JUDGE – “Good girl for waiting quietly.” NOTICE – “You’re waiting. You know your turn will come.”

JUDGE – “Great job.” NOTICE – “You did it. You put the blocks in the basket.”

JUDGE – “I like the way you behaved yourself.” NOTICE – “You stayed with me in the store. That was helpful.”

NOTICING let’s children own their accomplishments and internalize the values. JUDGING  establishes an external view of behavior. When we internalize values, they stay with us and help guide us – even when no one is watching. Very powerful!

Learn more about Conscious Discipline® by checking out our Empowered Parenting class (senderspediatrics.com) and by checking out consciousdiscipline.com.

My brother’s family has arrived – complete with children – five energetic, happy individuals. When we are given an opportunity to live inside another family’s space, it is a gift.

Now, bringing your family to your sibling’s house for a week long stay may sound like an absolute treat or an absolute horror depending on your relationships. Imagine bringing your family to a relative who happens to be a parent coach. It could be a visit that is a “bit” intimidating – or supportive. The way the situation tips is based, in part, on one’s perception.  How we “read” a situation will influence whether we are able to experience support or not.

Sometimes others do judge us as parents. However, sometimes the larger judgment comes from our own heads. And the problem with that is, it can lead to our judgment. We may end up judging our children because we’re afraid they will do something to upset others, so we hold them to a higher level of behavior than normally would be expected.

My brother knows that his sister’s home is a safe place for his family. He can let them be children. They can be messy, sometimes loud, and disruptive – because they are children. My brother could be watching over his shoulder, wondering if he will be judged in his parental decisions. He chooses to believe that he is supported. As his sister, it is an honor to be in the midst of his family. It is an honor to be invited into another family’s space. So if you have the chance to live alongside another family this summer, whether it be visiting relatives or engaging with neighbors, handle it with great care. We’re in this together and grace goes a long way.

And that’s hard as a parent. If only we knew for sure what the right answer was in any given situation, we would follow it. Wouldn’t we? Many decisions are not so clear. When children are little, the ambiguity may be whether to let children sleep with us or in their own beds, be free to express their feelings or learn to be more polite. As they get older, it may be whether they should be involved in structured activities or have more free time, how much T.V. or perhaps none, be completely responsible for their schoolwork or be helped as they learn to be more organized.  And the question as to what is “right” grows with the child (and the hormones).

There is no crystal ball – but there is something much better: your willingness to jump into the adventure.  Our culture has taught us to look for the guarantee and children don’t come with that. However, parenting is guaranteed to get messy, be frustrating, and provide adults with the most meaningful, delightful moments possible. Those moments come all the time. Sometimes they get lost amidst the everyday pressures of parenting. So here are a few simple guidelines.

1.      Love you child – no matter what.

2.      Trust your decisions AND be ready to back up and try it differently.

3.      Relax. Laugh.

Raising children is serious business.  They are way too precious to take their upbringing lightly. However, to relax into the adventure and find humor along the way IS part of their upbringing. It is the balance of the challenge and the sheer delight that sees us through.