Here’s the scenario: you are taking your child somewhere that he or she wants to go. Shortly before leaving you say, “Pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry basket. When that’s done we can leave.” Based on your child’s reaction, it seems your child heard you say, “Paint the house and build all new furniture or I won’t take you anywhere” as your simple statement has caused an explosion well beyond the expectation you’ve set forth. What just happened? You threw an ever so tiny wrench in the works and this child’s fragile “machinery” couldn’t cope.

The eruption is likely caused by a feeling of desperation: that her friends will all be gone by the time you finally get around to dropping her off, or everyone will already have a partner, seat, FRIEND! The knee-jerk reaction is generally fueled by a fear, which is based on her perception. She may be able to articulate this fear and say (or more likely yell), “I DON’T HAVE TIME. I’LL DO IT WHEN I GET BACK. YOU ALWAYS DO THINGS TO MAKE ME LATE!” This may spawn the response, “YOU COULD ALREADY BE DONE IF YOU WOULD JUST DO IT INSTEAD OF YELLING AT ME. AND MAYBE I JUST WON’T TAKE YOU AT ALL!”

So – what to do instead? Recognize it for what it is – her resistance to the fact that the world isn’t going in the direction she had in mind. We all want the world to go our way and it is frustrating when we can’t make that happen. Take a deep breath when you first encounter the resistance. Silently wish your child well, as this is an opportunity for her to learn that she can handle frustration caused by tiny wrenches. It is the only way to learn that one can handle even the big wrenches that will inevitably show up throughout life.

Once you are ready (breathe – wish well), say as calmly as possible, “Seems you’re concerned that this job will take too long. You can do it quickly. I’ll be ready to leave as soon as you finish.” Give him space (literally and figuratively) to shift gears. When he throws the clothes in the basket (and that is really the only option he has if he still wants a ride) refrain from commenting on his attitude. If he is complying, that is all you’re going for in this round. Then – GIVE YOUR CHILD THE RIDE. It is so easy to fall into the “I’d rather punish you for being such a brat and just refuse to take you” trap. The reason that’s a trap is because it actually serves to create more conflict down the road. Why comply at all if you’re going to lose out in the end anyway. By holding your child to the task and then following through, you help him learn that you are serious about your expectations AND good for your word.

Once in the car, use the opportunity to assure your child that you care that she arrives on time to events. Let her know that that is important to you as well. When you expect some things to be done before leaving, you will not be unreasonable about how much time that might take. If she’s receptive to your conversation, ask if, in retrospect, perhaps she might have handled it differently. Then assure her that she’ll have many more times to choose a different outcome. Ask, “What might you want to say before getting out that will let me know you appreciate the ride?” Smile – and end with “Have a nice time!”

Parents generally want their children to grow up to be responsible and to own up to their mistakes. Responsibility and the acknowledgement of errors generally sits at the top of the list of qualities considered necessary for a successful life. So, how are we as adults modeling responsibility? How does the current culture convey the message that this value matters? Check the news. It isn’t pretty. There seems to be a mudslide of finger pointing and “passing the buck”.

BLAMING has become a cultural epidemic. Most newscasts, newspapers, and reports on the internet are comprised of stories that seek to place blame on anyone who, willingly or not, walks into its spotlight. And with blame there is an avalanche of defense. When a mistake is made, rather than modeling for children that the proper response is to “own up to the error”, it seems there is a tendency to first try burying the error; and if one is discovered, blame it on someone (or something) else. What is making it so hard to just say, “I made a mistake and I take responsibility for what has happened?” Perhaps it is hard to do because society has made the price one pays for such an admission so high – public ridicule and unending judgment. 

When mistakes are deemed “news worthy”, many people weigh in so that their views about “who is most to blame” can be added to that of the media.  Although society has the right to voice opinion (it is, after all, a constitutional right) it has become overly invasive. Personal stories are played out in public arenas as if everyone is equally affected by every wrongdoing. HERE IS WHY THAT MATTERS. Ultimately, we may be teaching our children that “confession” is not so “good for the soul” – or at least not for one’s dignity.

It is hard to be perfect. People make mistakes. It is important that our children know they can make mistakes and RECOVER. The main point in acknowledging mistakes is so that there can be a correction. Perhaps mistakes would not grow into such destructive mountains if there was an accepted way for one to shift gears away from inappropriate choices – get help – make amends – and LEARN.

Every mistake is an opportunity to learn. When a child makes a mistake (takes something that does not belong to him, hurts someone, spills something – AGAIN, breaks something; the list is endless as mistakes are endless) the focus is “what can you do now to make amends, and what might you do differently in the future?” THAT is what teaches responsibility. “You should be ashamed of yourself” and “What is wrong with you?” are not so helpful. Teaching children how to take responsibility for mistakes will ensure that, when things go wrong, they will have an awareness of what to do to set whatever is happening back on its proper course. When I look back over my life, I realize my biggest mistakes have been my greatest teachers – yet it would have been nice if there was a bit less “shame and blame” gumming up the learning.

So let’s bury the scarlet letter once and for all.

How does one explain to a young child that “yes indeed, it is nighttime and yes indeed, I do see the sun still shining through your window”? We call it “nighttime” and children associate that word with “dark outside”. No wonder they are confused.

Here are a few simple strategies to help restore the magic of “nighttime” during the very long summer months.

·        Get room darkening shades or some way to completely cover the window. The important part of this strategy is to darken the room BEFORE you begin your night routine. Have the lights on in the room when you enter to get changed into pajamas and before reading stories. That way, when it is time to say goodnight, you’ll turn off the light just like you always do.

·        Longer days mean we’re more likely to be active longer as well. Be sure and have a “calming down” transition before starting the evening routine. Perhaps adding an inside activity after the more physical play of outdoors. Board games, puzzles, artwork or an extra story time can be a welcomed connection that helps to prepare children for a quieter entry into bedtime.

·        Soft, soothing music can be helpful in setting a calmer tone. If fact, humming (your humming) is a way to de-stress and provide a more relaxing atmosphere.

·        Don’t try to explain why they have to go to bed with the sun shining. Either they are too young to understand the concept, or they get it but don’t like it. If you have a child that would rather stay awake, no amount of explaining will make this seem fair. It is what it is. Just stay focused on helping your child settle into sleep. And it’s possible that all that extra sunshine will tire them out and they will fall into bed all on their own J.

Add your ideas for a helpful summer bedtime plan!