If your legs naturally kick into “run” mode, how do you remember to walk?

If your entire life is centered on friendships, how do you willingly stay home?

If your brain is patterned to do one thing, how do you choose another?

I was with my 3 year old grandson and realized that every time, EVERY TIME, he moves he starts in “run mode” – one arm posed back, one forward in true “ready, set, go” fashion. His life is lived on the move; walking goes against the grain. However, by practicing (a walk from one end of the room to the other) and by repeating the expectation (“walk”), plus providing an encouraging message (thumbs up) he is able to comply. No magic, no yelling, just practice and a dose of patience.

Similarly, children who would rather be out with friends will find it hard to “stay put”. They, like their younger counterpart, are posed to “talk off”, sometimes skirting by with a “see ya later”, hoping that perhaps we’ll fail to remember they didn’t mention where they’re going or ask permission. I have a teen grandson too, and he doesn’t really see the point in getting permission. For what? So when a teen is stopped and expected to change gears, there tends to be some “grinding sounds” attached to the shift they must make in order to forego their plans and comply with yours. However, when adults can let them have a moment of irritation without adding to it by being disgusted, compliance often follows.

We are teaching them the appropriate response when they need to comply and let go of a preferred choice. If we remain poised and confident, they will be more likely to learn that life isn’t always what you want it to be, however it goes down better with grace than with bitterness. If we blow up and get frustrated when a child doesn’t “hop to” at our command, we may be teaching them to do the same – when life doesn’t go your way, get angry.

It matters what we model. It’s how they learn.  And when adults make mistakes or blow up?  They learn from that as well; sometimes people have “had enough” and they “lose it”. That is just part of being human. Apologize and move on.

It’s a different world than the age of “be seen and not heard” or even “respect your elders”. I was so hoping to capitalize on those beliefs as I entered the adult world, especially the one about “do as I say, not as I do”. As a child, I envisioned a world where I would get to boss children around, make them get things for me, and yell at them for leaving their shoes in the doorway even though mine were right there too. Ah – what a world that was going to be.

It never arrived. I’m guessing my parents didn’t experience their lives from my childhood vantage point either. Being an adult does not bring with it a “get out of responsibility” card – quite the opposite. Yet how do children view the authority of adults today? Are we seen as dictators, playmates, encouragers? If children were to see adults for what we desire to be, they would be ever so pleased with their current role of “child”, for it seems most adults just want children to learn what they need to learn in order to be the best they can be. That doesn’t seem so hard, does it?

Take a moment today to let your children know that you trust who they are and what they are becoming. They are a “work in progress” – and aren’t we all! Along with the statements to “get up”, “clean up”, and “wise up” add a liberal dose of encouragement. “You’re getting it!” “It’s clear you’re trying to figure things out” or “Sometimes it’s hard at first. You have it in you to master this.”

There is a reason that all the phrases of the past are losing their luster. They didn’t do much to honor the process of growth. We can let our children know that every day is an opportunity to try again. They have time to learn – that’s what childhood is all about.

A teenager can see an “agenda” coming from a mile away. By the time children move into adolescence they are quick to pick up that a lecture is lurking in the conversation weeds somewhere. We can read stories to young children that are knee deep in moral lessons and they will likely love the story without feeling “programmed”. Teens can become weary of such tactics and throw them back at us as a reminder that they are on the verge of adulthood and as such could do with a bit more respect.

I remember a time when I had planned out a conversation that I intended to have with my son about his grades, homework, and the overall lack of preparedness I’d been witnessing. I asked a couple of lead in questions (to get the conversation on my track more than to actually hear his responses) and then launched into what I perceived to be thought provoking insights into what I’d observed. This was groundwork for my next plan which was to explain to him everything he needed to do to set things right. Before I had a chance to share my wisdom, he stole the words out of my mouth and fed them to me as if they were his. “I think what I need to do is buckle down and get my work done first thing. This is serious and I need to take it more seriously…” and on and on. Somehow my words didn’t sound so strong and insightful. They sounded common and familiar.

That is when we began to have our real conversations; not the ones I dreamed up in my head where I could image what his answers would be. These were conversations that had freedom to go wherever they went – unscripted – and these are the conversations that I treasure because they led me to understand and enjoy the company of my son.

Be curious. Ask a question without having formed your response. Wait and listen. Really listen. There may be a level of bravado in the replies. There may be some statements to test and shock, but there will also be beautiful glimpses of wisdom coming into its own. Wait for it.