“I’M TELLING MOM!”  It’s sends a shiver through my body to this day.  It meant I had a few short minutes to get my story straight, figure out how this current mess could possibly be my sister’s fault instead of mine – and hopefully, I’d be able to produce some tears in the process (always good as a backup plan).  I was about to experience the full weight of judgment so moving to defense mode was crucial for survival.

And in case you don’t recognize the scene above from your personal childhood experiences, let me assure you – it never, ever went well. By the end of it, someone was gloating, someone was stomping, and someone was in a puddle of tears on the floor.  My sister, my mom and I swapped roles regularly so at least we all had an opportunity to assume the “gloating” role occasionally.

What is it that sets up such a scene?  Not sure – but I can tell you what exacerbates it.  It is the idea that you are about to be ratted out, told on, or otherwise blamed for whatever has gone wrong. 

There is a better way. We can teach children that running for the adult can be a much different experience just by changing one thing – the way the child exits for help.

Instead of “I’m telling” which seems to be the cultural norm, teach your children to say this “I’m going to get help for us.”  It plants the seed of hope that perhaps getting help in the midst of a conflict would actually be a good idea. It includes the message that, when there is a conflict all parties involved in the conflict could use some help.  And furthermore, that getting help from an adult might actually yield something productive, like a solution. Imagine!  It is such a small thing really – and yet if we teach our children well, it just may catch on. 

And perhaps then, solutions will be all the rage and blaming will be as out of style as rotary phones!