I’ve been thinking about the word “tolerate” and its use in casual conversation as in, “I can tolerate my child’s behavior for only so long and then I snap.” The idea that tolerating behavior can be a strategy for managing behavior seems misguided. Perhaps the strategy works if you’re tolerating a customer or a visiting relative, but children tend to stay around longer.
A common conception seems to be that if we just tolerate (as in “put up with”) an irritating behavior, perhaps it will magically disappear. Loud children will realize they are being obnoxious and will turn their volume buttons down. Arguing siblings will suddenly come to their senses and forge a peace treaty. One can only hope…
To tolerate is to go into a holding pattern with the hope that whatever you are tolerating will evaporate before the actual need for action. Although there are occasions when that works, it is more likely that the act of tolerating will actually build the level of frustration until there is no more room in the “stuff-it” bag.
If a behavior is causing you to “cringe and bear it”, take a moment to acknowledge that you don’t like what is happening. Make a calm, conscious choice about what you DO want and put your plan into action.
Check out some of the articles on this site for additional strategies and add your thoughts or stories to the mix.