Archive for the ‘Practical parenting tips’ Category

TO TOLERATE OR NOT TO TOLERATE

January 22nd, 2010

I’ve been thinking about the word “tolerate” and its use in casual conversation as in, “I can tolerate my child’s behavior for only so long and then I snap.” The idea that tolerating behavior can be a strategy for managing behavior seems misguided. Perhaps the strategy works if you’re tolerating a customer or a visiting relative, but children tend to stay around longer.

A common conception seems to be that if we just tolerate (as in “put up with”) an irritating behavior, perhaps it will magically disappear. Loud children will realize they are being obnoxious and will turn their volume buttons down. Arguing siblings will suddenly come to their senses and forge a peace treaty. One can only hope…

To tolerate is to go into a holding pattern with the hope that whatever you are tolerating will evaporate before the actual need for action. Although there are occasions when that works, it is more likely that the act of tolerating will actually build the level of frustration until there is no more room in the “stuff-it” bag.

If a behavior is causing you to “cringe and bear it”, take a moment to acknowledge that you don’t like what is happening. Make a calm, conscious choice about what you DO want and put your plan into action.

Check out some of the articles on this site for additional strategies and add your thoughts or stories to the mix.

PRACTICE WIRES THE BRAIN FOR SUCCESS

November 13th, 2009

 

More to the point, practice wires the brain for whatever it is we practice. By routinely engaging in a behavior or skill, that ability “wires” in the brain. This is true for the behaviors we value as well as those less desirable habits.  As the saying goes, “what fires together wires together.”

 

For example, imagine your child comes home from school and plops a book bag right inside the door, tosses a coat somewhere nearby and happily zips off to some activity.  Moments later your child hears the familiar sounds of frustration, as this is a scene that plays out every day.  It is you stating in exasperation, “How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your stuff all over.  Get back here and take care of this immediately.”  So here is the “practice” that is wiring together in your child’s brain.

            1.         Come in the door.

            2.         Toss things down.

            3.         Go play.

            4.         Get yelled at.

            5.         Complain.

            6.         Pick things up.

 

If it happens every day, like a well rehearsed play, a pattern forms with little thought toward changing it. It’s the only script in your child’s possession for the “Home from School” play.  If it is not the script you want, then it is up to you to change the script.  Practice for a different play – a better play!

 

When your child walks through the door, explain that there’s a better, shorter version of the “Home from School” play.  You might share how the brain patterns by saying that every time we do something, a pathway for that action is created in the brain.  The more we do it, the stronger and faster the pathway becomes.  Find examples in nature and in the community that show pathways; like well worn footpaths or sledding hills.

 

Begin a new pathway by practicing what you do want.  Have your child practice coming in the door and hanging up his or her things.  Practice again. Practice again.  Now you’re ready for the real thing.  When your child comes home and hangs his or her things up right away say, “You did it! You wired your brain for success. Yeah for you!”  If an old pattern creeps back in, practice again.  We do it in sports, music, acting – why not with book bags? 

CHOICES – MORE THAN “WHICH SHIRT”

October 1st, 2009

 

You’ve heard the reasons for offering children two choices. You may have even heard that making both the choices positive will motivate children to be more cooperation when they’ve drifted into resistance.  It all makes sense. And it can be quite simple or very difficult depending on the child’s willingness to shift gears and get on board. 

 

Perhaps there is an even more important message in the offering of positive choices.  Children learn that they have the power to impact their experiences.  What works, what doesn’t work becomes an investigative piece that helps your child see the cause and effect of simple choices like, “Do you choose to wear short pants or long pants today?  You chose long pants.”  Then, should it be a hot day, your child begins to see that making choices may require the need to obtain additional information in order to choose wisely.  If there’s a complaint about being hot all day then the next day you might add, “Before you choose, would you like to know what the weather will be like today?” (Although in Cleveland, that information is not guaranteed!) Over time we offer more in giving choices than just personal preference like, “Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt?”  We offer an opportunity to see choices as a way to build a responsible, thoughtful way of life.