Change is a mixed bag. As much as it signals a new beginning, it can also require some painful good-byes.

Whether children are moving out of diapers or moving out of the house, transitioning from what was to what is can be an emotional roller coaster. Maybe that’s because, even if life is complicated the way it is, at least it’s familiar. Accepting the next stage takes courage. If you let go of your child’s hand so that she can join her growing world, will she come back to hold yours again? Letting her walk into school for the first time all by herself all the way up to letting her pack up her things in order to cart them off to college,  may encompass some of the proudest moments of our lives as well as some of the loneliest.

As summer ends and change arrives at your door, welcome it. The welcome may be extended with tears or delight. Welcome it all the same. Because something about change helps us all keep it fresh and meaningful. Every day has its own treasure.  Hold it lightly.

A parent recently wondered how to determine what jobs a child might do to earn an allowance and what jobs are just expected. The family already stresses the value of working as a team and has the expectation that everyone contributes to household chores. However, their child was increasing asking “if” and “how much” he would be paid for the job. The amount of energy he was willing to put into a job seemed commensurate to the amount of money promised. Perhaps you have a similar issue – here’s one possible solution. (And Thank You to the parent who submitted the question about this topic.)

Children need to learn the ins and outs of employment. Information is the way to go on this one. It helps to have a conversation that lays out how a child will know whether a job is a paid position or personal responsibility. For example, you could explain that as a member of “Team (your family name)”, he is expected to take care of his personal property (picking up after himself, cleaning his room, hanging up a towel he has used). He is also responsible to help in the general sense of caring for the house (vacuum, dust, set the table). Those jobs may rotate with everyone in the house taking a turn. The family benefits from doing the work together because then it frees up the adults to earn the money to buy the food and pay the bills. He doesn’t earn money for those things because he is already “paid” in the larger sense of having a home and food to eat.

Then there are the money makers. Brainstorm with your child about some of the extra jobs that he or she is able to do in order to earn money. This list includes things that are different from what is just part of running the everyday routine. The list could include sweeping the sidewalks, wash the car, cleaning out a hall closet, hosing out all the trash cans (gloves for this job).  These are jobs that are not done on a daily basis and are not clearly a child’s work. Your child can be “employed” for this type of job. This is also something children can offer to do for others (relatives, family friends) in order to earn money. Then at some point, you may want to introduce service work in the community (raking an elderly neighbor’s lawn, preparing food for someone who is moving in/out) so that children get the big picture of personal responsibility, gainful employment, and contributions to the general welfare of the community.

If you have ideas that you’ve found helpful, feel free to add your comments.

The following excerpt is taken from Please Don’t Eat the Daisies by Jean Kerr. It was written in 1954. Could it possibly be relevant today?

My real problem with children is that I haven’t any imagination. I’m always warning them against the commonplace defections while they are planning the bizarre and unusual. Christopher gets up ahead of the rest of us on Sunday mornings and he has long since been given a list of clear directives: “Don’t wake the baby,” “Don’t go outside in your pajamas,” “Don’t eat cookies before breakfast.” But I never told him, “Don’t make flour paste and glue together all the pages of the magazine section of the Sunday Times.” Now I tell him, of course.

Now we know where all the “DON’T” language originated – Jean Kerr and MY MOTHER. The biggest problem with “don’t” is exactly what Kerr highlights. You just can’t cover every possibility.  I learned this as a preschool teacher, since instead of one “Christopher” there was a classroom full of imaginative thinkers. One class, in particular, found amazing ways to stretch the common rules to the “bizarre and unusual”. As I was crossing the class to the playground, someone started the trend of disrobing before climbing.  When I joined the class on the playground, I was surprised by the sight of 10 little boy bodies all stripped down to their underpants. Who knew we’d need the rule, “clothes stay on at school.” Like Kerr, we added that, of course.

There is a shortcut to all this, however. It’s been said here before, so this is just a reminder. State what you DO want. This is more profitable for several reasons: 1) it tends to be a shorter list, 2) it helps children focus on acceptable choices, and 3) it creates a “picture” of appropriate parameters which makes it easier for children to comply.

Here’s how Kerr would sound by stating what Christopher is able TO DO. “When you get up, notice if anyone is still sleeping. If so, choose quiet activities. You may ___ or ___ (add what is acceptable to you). Your job is to stay safe, so remain in the house. If you get hungry, you may ____ (again, whatever is acceptable).” This plan will work best if there are actual picture reminders for your child, especially if your child is under the age of eight. (More about pictures next week!)

For now, notice where you are focusing: on what you don’t want – or what you DO?

Most of us heard praise in the form of judging as we grew up. We tend to pass on what we experience because that is what we know best.   Giving praise an “overhaul” will give your children a better understanding of the impact of their actions and what values they are honoring.  Ultimately it’s all about values, since that is what transforms us into responsible human beings.

Take a look and try on your favorite – or transform one of your own and share it here.

JUDGE – “Good girl for waiting quietly.” NOTICE – “You’re waiting. You know your turn will come.”

JUDGE – “Great job.” NOTICE – “You did it. You put the blocks in the basket.”

JUDGE – “I like the way you behaved yourself.” NOTICE – “You stayed with me in the store. That was helpful.”

NOTICING let’s children own their accomplishments and internalize the values. JUDGING  establishes an external view of behavior. When we internalize values, they stay with us and help guide us – even when no one is watching. Very powerful!

Learn more about Conscious Discipline® by checking out our Empowered Parenting class (senderspediatrics.com) and by checking out consciousdiscipline.com.

My brother’s family has arrived – complete with children – five energetic, happy individuals. When we are given an opportunity to live inside another family’s space, it is a gift.

Now, bringing your family to your sibling’s house for a week long stay may sound like an absolute treat or an absolute horror depending on your relationships. Imagine bringing your family to a relative who happens to be a parent coach. It could be a visit that is a “bit” intimidating – or supportive. The way the situation tips is based, in part, on one’s perception.  How we “read” a situation will influence whether we are able to experience support or not.

Sometimes others do judge us as parents. However, sometimes the larger judgment comes from our own heads. And the problem with that is, it can lead to our judgment. We may end up judging our children because we’re afraid they will do something to upset others, so we hold them to a higher level of behavior than normally would be expected.

My brother knows that his sister’s home is a safe place for his family. He can let them be children. They can be messy, sometimes loud, and disruptive – because they are children. My brother could be watching over his shoulder, wondering if he will be judged in his parental decisions. He chooses to believe that he is supported. As his sister, it is an honor to be in the midst of his family. It is an honor to be invited into another family’s space. So if you have the chance to live alongside another family this summer, whether it be visiting relatives or engaging with neighbors, handle it with great care. We’re in this together and grace goes a long way.

And that’s hard as a parent. If only we knew for sure what the right answer was in any given situation, we would follow it. Wouldn’t we? Many decisions are not so clear. When children are little, the ambiguity may be whether to let children sleep with us or in their own beds, be free to express their feelings or learn to be more polite. As they get older, it may be whether they should be involved in structured activities or have more free time, how much T.V. or perhaps none, be completely responsible for their schoolwork or be helped as they learn to be more organized.  And the question as to what is “right” grows with the child (and the hormones).

There is no crystal ball – but there is something much better: your willingness to jump into the adventure.  Our culture has taught us to look for the guarantee and children don’t come with that. However, parenting is guaranteed to get messy, be frustrating, and provide adults with the most meaningful, delightful moments possible. Those moments come all the time. Sometimes they get lost amidst the everyday pressures of parenting. So here are a few simple guidelines.

1.      Love you child – no matter what.

2.      Trust your decisions AND be ready to back up and try it differently.

3.      Relax. Laugh.

Raising children is serious business.  They are way too precious to take their upbringing lightly. However, to relax into the adventure and find humor along the way IS part of their upbringing. It is the balance of the challenge and the sheer delight that sees us through.

Here’s the scenario: you are taking your child somewhere that he or she wants to go. Shortly before leaving you say, “Pick up your clothes and put them in the laundry basket. When that’s done we can leave.” Based on your child’s reaction, it seems your child heard you say, “Paint the house and build all new furniture or I won’t take you anywhere” as your simple statement has caused an explosion well beyond the expectation you’ve set forth. What just happened? You threw an ever so tiny wrench in the works and this child’s fragile “machinery” couldn’t cope.

The eruption is likely caused by a feeling of desperation: that her friends will all be gone by the time you finally get around to dropping her off, or everyone will already have a partner, seat, FRIEND! The knee-jerk reaction is generally fueled by a fear, which is based on her perception. She may be able to articulate this fear and say (or more likely yell), “I DON’T HAVE TIME. I’LL DO IT WHEN I GET BACK. YOU ALWAYS DO THINGS TO MAKE ME LATE!” This may spawn the response, “YOU COULD ALREADY BE DONE IF YOU WOULD JUST DO IT INSTEAD OF YELLING AT ME. AND MAYBE I JUST WON’T TAKE YOU AT ALL!”

So – what to do instead? Recognize it for what it is – her resistance to the fact that the world isn’t going in the direction she had in mind. We all want the world to go our way and it is frustrating when we can’t make that happen. Take a deep breath when you first encounter the resistance. Silently wish your child well, as this is an opportunity for her to learn that she can handle frustration caused by tiny wrenches. It is the only way to learn that one can handle even the big wrenches that will inevitably show up throughout life.

Once you are ready (breathe – wish well), say as calmly as possible, “Seems you’re concerned that this job will take too long. You can do it quickly. I’ll be ready to leave as soon as you finish.” Give him space (literally and figuratively) to shift gears. When he throws the clothes in the basket (and that is really the only option he has if he still wants a ride) refrain from commenting on his attitude. If he is complying, that is all you’re going for in this round. Then – GIVE YOUR CHILD THE RIDE. It is so easy to fall into the “I’d rather punish you for being such a brat and just refuse to take you” trap. The reason that’s a trap is because it actually serves to create more conflict down the road. Why comply at all if you’re going to lose out in the end anyway. By holding your child to the task and then following through, you help him learn that you are serious about your expectations AND good for your word.

Once in the car, use the opportunity to assure your child that you care that she arrives on time to events. Let her know that that is important to you as well. When you expect some things to be done before leaving, you will not be unreasonable about how much time that might take. If she’s receptive to your conversation, ask if, in retrospect, perhaps she might have handled it differently. Then assure her that she’ll have many more times to choose a different outcome. Ask, “What might you want to say before getting out that will let me know you appreciate the ride?” Smile – and end with “Have a nice time!”

Parents generally want their children to grow up to be responsible and to own up to their mistakes. Responsibility and the acknowledgement of errors generally sits at the top of the list of qualities considered necessary for a successful life. So, how are we as adults modeling responsibility? How does the current culture convey the message that this value matters? Check the news. It isn’t pretty. There seems to be a mudslide of finger pointing and “passing the buck”.

BLAMING has become a cultural epidemic. Most newscasts, newspapers, and reports on the internet are comprised of stories that seek to place blame on anyone who, willingly or not, walks into its spotlight. And with blame there is an avalanche of defense. When a mistake is made, rather than modeling for children that the proper response is to “own up to the error”, it seems there is a tendency to first try burying the error; and if one is discovered, blame it on someone (or something) else. What is making it so hard to just say, “I made a mistake and I take responsibility for what has happened?” Perhaps it is hard to do because society has made the price one pays for such an admission so high – public ridicule and unending judgment. 

When mistakes are deemed “news worthy”, many people weigh in so that their views about “who is most to blame” can be added to that of the media.  Although society has the right to voice opinion (it is, after all, a constitutional right) it has become overly invasive. Personal stories are played out in public arenas as if everyone is equally affected by every wrongdoing. HERE IS WHY THAT MATTERS. Ultimately, we may be teaching our children that “confession” is not so “good for the soul” – or at least not for one’s dignity.

It is hard to be perfect. People make mistakes. It is important that our children know they can make mistakes and RECOVER. The main point in acknowledging mistakes is so that there can be a correction. Perhaps mistakes would not grow into such destructive mountains if there was an accepted way for one to shift gears away from inappropriate choices – get help – make amends – and LEARN.

Every mistake is an opportunity to learn. When a child makes a mistake (takes something that does not belong to him, hurts someone, spills something – AGAIN, breaks something; the list is endless as mistakes are endless) the focus is “what can you do now to make amends, and what might you do differently in the future?” THAT is what teaches responsibility. “You should be ashamed of yourself” and “What is wrong with you?” are not so helpful. Teaching children how to take responsibility for mistakes will ensure that, when things go wrong, they will have an awareness of what to do to set whatever is happening back on its proper course. When I look back over my life, I realize my biggest mistakes have been my greatest teachers – yet it would have been nice if there was a bit less “shame and blame” gumming up the learning.

So let’s bury the scarlet letter once and for all.

How does one explain to a young child that “yes indeed, it is nighttime and yes indeed, I do see the sun still shining through your window”? We call it “nighttime” and children associate that word with “dark outside”. No wonder they are confused.

Here are a few simple strategies to help restore the magic of “nighttime” during the very long summer months.

·        Get room darkening shades or some way to completely cover the window. The important part of this strategy is to darken the room BEFORE you begin your night routine. Have the lights on in the room when you enter to get changed into pajamas and before reading stories. That way, when it is time to say goodnight, you’ll turn off the light just like you always do.

·        Longer days mean we’re more likely to be active longer as well. Be sure and have a “calming down” transition before starting the evening routine. Perhaps adding an inside activity after the more physical play of outdoors. Board games, puzzles, artwork or an extra story time can be a welcomed connection that helps to prepare children for a quieter entry into bedtime.

·        Soft, soothing music can be helpful in setting a calmer tone. If fact, humming (your humming) is a way to de-stress and provide a more relaxing atmosphere.

·        Don’t try to explain why they have to go to bed with the sun shining. Either they are too young to understand the concept, or they get it but don’t like it. If you have a child that would rather stay awake, no amount of explaining will make this seem fair. It is what it is. Just stay focused on helping your child settle into sleep. And it’s possible that all that extra sunshine will tire them out and they will fall into bed all on their own J.

Add your ideas for a helpful summer bedtime plan!

If your legs naturally kick into “run” mode, how do you remember to walk?

If your entire life is centered on friendships, how do you willingly stay home?

If your brain is patterned to do one thing, how do you choose another?

I was with my 3 year old grandson and realized that every time, EVERY TIME, he moves he starts in “run mode” – one arm posed back, one forward in true “ready, set, go” fashion. His life is lived on the move; walking goes against the grain. However, by practicing (a walk from one end of the room to the other) and by repeating the expectation (“walk”), plus providing an encouraging message (thumbs up) he is able to comply. No magic, no yelling, just practice and a dose of patience.

Similarly, children who would rather be out with friends will find it hard to “stay put”. They, like their younger counterpart, are posed to “talk off”, sometimes skirting by with a “see ya later”, hoping that perhaps we’ll fail to remember they didn’t mention where they’re going or ask permission. I have a teen grandson too, and he doesn’t really see the point in getting permission. For what? So when a teen is stopped and expected to change gears, there tends to be some “grinding sounds” attached to the shift they must make in order to forego their plans and comply with yours. However, when adults can let them have a moment of irritation without adding to it by being disgusted, compliance often follows.

We are teaching them the appropriate response when they need to comply and let go of a preferred choice. If we remain poised and confident, they will be more likely to learn that life isn’t always what you want it to be, however it goes down better with grace than with bitterness. If we blow up and get frustrated when a child doesn’t “hop to” at our command, we may be teaching them to do the same – when life doesn’t go your way, get angry.

It matters what we model. It’s how they learn.  And when adults make mistakes or blow up?  They learn from that as well; sometimes people have “had enough” and they “lose it”. That is just part of being human. Apologize and move on.